Don't read this if you're having a nice day because it's depressing as hell, 1000 apologies.
This is a strange post for me to write, and I don't even know what it's going to say yet. I don't use this blog any more, and I'm pretty sure no one reads it anyway, so not sure why I'm writing it at all. But sometimes I think when you have so many unspoken and unacknowledged feelings inside, you have to write them down somewhere neutral before everything explodes out of you in word vomit to the last person you want to know about it. Because chances are they're also the person you most want to know your thoughts and not telling them is so hard, even if you're pretty sure they don't want to know anyway.
Which is where this post is coming from. From a break up of a 6 year relationship that I was 100% sure was the one. I was done, I was set, I'd found him. Problem was, he wasn't sure he'd found me.
There was a lot of talking and a lot of crying. I lot of "I don't know's" and "I love you's".. but still no conclusion. He didn't know what he wanted any more. So even though I did, I had to end it. Because I think after that much time (hell, after any amount of time) we all deserve to be with someone who is sure they want to be with us. I think too many people fight and settle because of what they want, and how much they love the person, but I always think you can go by the idea that if someone really wants to be with you, they will be. You don't have to try and convince them to be.
It was a strange thing, because when someone breaks your heart, they're usually also the person you want to cry to and talk to, because they've always been the one that comforts you. For six years he'd been my strength when I was at my lowest and that didn't suddenly go away. What was strange about this situation is that for a month or so before we actually broke up I did get to cry to him and be comforted by him, even though deep down it was no real comfort at all. I got to vent all my worries and doubts and hurts, and he tried to make them better. But fundamentally too much damage was done, and I couldn't live in a relationship where the person trying to hold my heart together was the same one that was ripping it apart.
Afterwards I felt strong. I'd ended the month long limbo of spending every second waiting to see if he was going to walk away, and I'd taken the decision into my own hands. I'd had the strength to make a decision I'd never wanted to make, based on my self worth and my conviction that I deserved better. And when I think about it, the strong, sassy, Beyonce part of me does still feel like this, and is proud that I went against the voice of my heart screaming at me to keep him no matter what it took. Because that voice is the one that leads you to lose your pride and behave in a way that you're ashamed of.
Having been heartbroken before actually helped with this. After you've been through it once, you know that yes, it's going to be utterly shit, but you will be ok. That is key. I think you can also look at who you became the first time and decide whether you want to behave like that again. I did not.
So I've resisted all the natural urges; to text him, tell him how I'm feeling, try and assess how he's feeling, engage in normal conversation, see him. I've only discussed what we had to (we lived together so have flat issues to sort). It's been the hardest thing I've ever done, especially as he's been trying to get things like that out of me and I don't know why, (I think he's looking to hear I'm ok to relieve his sense of guilt) and feeling unsure about someone's motives who you always felt you knew better than yourself is confusing and painful.
I think because of that, the hardest thing for me has been the not knowing. Knowing is, in it's own way, awful. You torment yourself with what you see and what they're saying to you, which is what I did the first time I went through this. You bait them, hoping they'll say what you want to hear, and they never do. The first time, knowing felt like the worst thing in the world.
This time it's different; it's not knowing that feels like the worst thing, and I'm not sure what's better. Sure, this time I have my pride. Or at least I feel like I do. He doesn't know where I'm at in my head or how I'm feeling, or how many good vs bad days I have. (As you can probably tell, today is a low day). But I don't know how he's doing either. And misery loves company. When you're having a low moment, you want them to be, too. When you don't know anything, you can torment yourself in a completely different way, because everything could be true.
Yes, he could be totally over you, loving life and sleeping with everyone he sees, thinking this decision is the best one he ever made. He's happy all the time. He doesn't miss you at all. He sometimes misses the company, probably, but as a person it's a relief you're gone. Distance has made him realise how little he cared. He feels like the shackles are off and he's himself for the first time in years. What a waste of time all those years were. You are not the right person for him and you never were. Onwards and upwards.
All of this I've told myself, and I believe some of it to be true.
But I'll never know because I won't ever ask. Nothing is worse than thinking the worst things you can and having them confirmed, which I've found is all you get from talking to the person that's left you.
And I know that fundamentally it doesn't actually matter if all of that's true, as it doesn't change the situation either way. Either way I have lost him. And his feelings are irrelevant, as that's something I have to learn to live with. And try and keep telling myself in any low moments that I will be ok.
One day at a time.